Cheerfulness and Constancy in Marriage

Here are some lines on a lasting marriage written by Sir Richard Steele: more than two-and-a half centuries ago.

“The most delightful and most lasting Engagements,” he said, “are generally those which pass between Man and Woman; and yet upon what Trifles are they weakened, or interely broken?” Sometimes, he says, “the Parties fly asunder even in the Midst of Courtship, sometimes grow cool” in the early months of marriage, while “others continue good till thirty, others till forty, while some. . . whose Souls are of an happier Make. . .travel on together to the End of their Journey in. . .continual. . .kind Offices and mutual Endearments. When we therefore chuse our Companions for Life, if we hope to keep both them and ourselves in good Humour to the last stage of it, we must be extreamly careful in the Choice we make, as well as in the Conduct on our Part. When the Persons to whom we join ourselves can stand an Examination, and bear the Scrutiny, when they mend upon. . .Acquaintance. . . and [we] discover new Beauties the more we search”−then our love will naturally grow.

“But because there are very few possessed of such accomplishments of Body and Mind, we ought to look after those Qualifications both in ourselves and others, which are indispensably necessary towards this happy Union, and which are in the Power of every one to acquire, or at least to cultivate and improve. These, in my Opinion, are Cheerfulness and Constancy. . .”

These qualities, says Sir Richard, may be acquired even by those of greatest fickleness, “who consider seriously the Terms of Union upon which they come together, the mutual Interest in which they are engaged, with all the Motives that ought to incite their Tenderness and Compassion towards those who have. . . Dependence upon them, and are embarked with them for Life in. . . Happiness or Misery. Constancy becomes a moral Virtue. . . that is not subject to any change of Health, Age, Fortune, or. . . Accidents. . . .” Where such a constancy is lacking, he concludes, the most ardent fondness “may fall away into coldness and Indifference.”

“To be content with even the best people,” wrote Francis de S. Fenelon, “We must be contented with little and bear a great deal.” For “even those who are most perfect have many imperfections, and we [all] have great faults.”

Perhaps any one of us could get along with perfect people. But our task is to get along with imperfect people, which is what all of us are, and for this we need the character and constancy that will survive the imperfections we all have.