Advice and How to Give It

There is a point of importance in all personal relationships, and that is the how of things as well as the what⎯how things are said and done. Consider, for example, giving advice, which is among the most delicate and difficult relationships of life.

“Advice is not disliked because it is advice,” said Leigh Hunt, “but because so few people know how to give it.”

None of us has lived so long that he has no need to learn. There is not one of us who could not profit by counsel of consultation; but how it is given, how it is done, how criticism is offered⎯the spirit, the manner, the attitude, the kindly or cutting quality⎯the how of things⎯is exceedingly important in all of life’s relationships.

“I wish well-meaning, sensible men,” said Benjamin Franklin, “would not lessen their power of doing good by a positive, assuming manner, that…tends to create opposition, and to defeat every one of those purposes for which speech was given to us…. For, it you would inform, a positive and dogmatical manner in advancing your sentiments may provoke contradiction and prevent a candid attention….”

“Harsh counsels have no effect,” said Claude Helvetius, “They are like hammers which are always repulsed by the anvil.”

We all need to seek and consider counsel. Children need it; parents need it; everyone needs it⎯personally and professionally, in matters both private and public. No one knows it all. No one is sufficient unto himself. Seeking and considering counsel is a source of strength and safety, and there is no use letting pride or anger or irritation prevent us from accepting what is for our good.

To his remarks about advice, cited above, Franklin adds, “They that will not be counseled, cannot be helped. If you do not hear reason she will rap you on the knuckles.”

“Life I but one continual course of instruction,” but those who would teach and tell others would do well to avoid an irritating, alienating attitude, and should counsel and correct with love, patience, and persuasion.

“A sound head, an honest heart, and a humble spirit,” said Sir Walter Scott, “are the three best guides through time and to eternity.” And surely he who would advise others should give evidence of having all three.