Before Marriage--and After
April 9, 1967
“. . . If there is still one . . . girl who hopes to reform [a] man after she has married him,” said a wise observer, the “advice is: Don’t. If the person . . . doesn’t meet your main specifications for a life companion now, the chances are 99 to 1 that . . . Nothing you can do after the ceremony will improve matters.”1 This may not always be so. Certainly there are exceptions. But people tend to continue to be basically what they are and to believe what they believe. And the desire to please, to change, to reform, to reshape themselves after marriage seems less certain than promises and protestations before marriage. And a nagging marriage with its reminder of unfulfilled promises has abrasiveness and heartbreak in it. “If you . . . were paddling a canoe together,” said another, “the important thing is . . . that each paddle . . . in the same direction . . . In marriage, if each has a different goal, they will always be in trouble.”2 This is true especially as to standards and basic beliefs. Oh, how important to remember this before marriage is entered into, and never let such far-reaching facts be obscured by the attraction of the moment, or the music and moonlight. “Marriage,” said Margaret Lee Runbeck, “should be something worked toward with every step you take. It shouldn’t be an unforeseen emergency, like being called upon unexpectedly to make a speech on a subject you’ve never heard of.”3 In a great understatement, an unknown writer said: “Marriage . . . isn’t a relationship of perfection. It is a relationship of imperfect people who can make it happy or unhappy, . . . and no one else can, but the two people who are parties to it.”4 And nowhere more than in marriage⎯nowhere more than in this closest relationship of life⎯should two people be more courteous and kind and considerate. For whom should we show the better side of ourselves? Where else but home and family should we be at our best? To whom should we wish more and make ourselves attractive? Look most forthrightly and honestly at the facts before marriage. And after marriage remember that “A successful marriage is worth all the time, patience, [kindness and consideration] it takes.”5
1 Editorial, Colliers, Sept. 19, 1942, “For Better of For Worse,” p. 86
2 Paul Popenoe, Ladies’ Home Journal, June 1942, “Make Your Marriage a Partnership,” p. 31
3 Margaret Lee Runbeck, Good Housekeeping, Feb. 1942, “To Our Baby’s Husband⎯An Open Letter,” p. 40
4 Author Unknown
5 Editorial, Colliers, Dec. 13, 1941, “Don’t Rush that Divorce,” p. 86